Every weekday morning is the same story in our home. Arjun sees me reaching for my office bag and putting on my shoes and knows that's the cue for me heading out to work for the day. Immediately he waddles over to the shoe rack and pulls out his own shoes and looks at me beseechingly. He's hoping that I'll take him along but of course I can't. This devolves into him crying at the top of his lungs as he watches me leave….not exactly a pleasant way to start off the day for either one of us!
Clearly I'm not alone in this and many working moms experience a similar emotional struggle every day. But here's the thing: Yes, it tugs my heartstrings to see my little one crying but I refuse to let the mom guilt get to me. The thing I tell myself and honestly truly believe is "I'm doing the best I can". I had a bad case of mom guilt with my older one but by the time Arjun entered the picture, I had overcome that crippling emotion.
I had to go through a few mindset shifts and I wanted to share with you what worked for me…
Mindset Change 1: It’s not you, it’s them.Whether you are a working mom or a SAHM mom, it is perfectly normal for toddlers to experience separation anxiety. They want you no matter what and express this through wanting to be with you. Once I understood that, part of the guilt went away because I realized this is an inevitable and normal process in a child’s development. What matters how you deal with it.
Mindset Change 2: Focus on spending quality time with your children. On my part, I just make sure I give my little one the due time and attention in the mornings before work. We enjoy making coffee together, he sits next to me and watches me as I put on my makeup, I involve him in picking out what I'll wear, etc. Then we head out of the house together as he sees me off for the day. It’s those few moments of special quality time together that I try to make count. Unfortunately, he still cries when he sees me driving off to work. But it’s normal for a young child to vocalize his separation anxiety with crying, and I tell myself that I’ll do my best to make it up to him when I get back home. In the evenings after work, I try to prioritize time with the kids until they go off to bed. We do play time and activities together. I’m not saying I’m perfect. Far from it. There are moments of yelling and shouting and me losing my patience with them. Sometimes I just want a short while to myself after a long day at work. But let’s go easy on ourselves, ladies. Work and raising kids is a constant balancing act but somehow we have to make it work the best way we can.
Mindset Change 3: Choose to be content with the choices you make!By choosing to work, I have made a conscious decision to be away from my kids for my career and to do something engaging and productive for myself. Likewise, if you choose to be a SAHM, you have decided you want to focus full-time on the kids and home life. Either way, I think it is important to fully embrace our choices without feeling bad or apologetic about it.
We women are wired differently and tend to be much more emotional than men. We seem to impose this “mom guilt” on ourselves and perpetuate our feelings of inadequacy as a mother. Add to that the conditioning and judgment we seem to get from society about what mothers should and shouldn’t do with their children. It’s exhausting. Do you ever see dads racked with guilt the same way moms are? We need to stop doing this to ourselves and realize that we are doing what is best for our family and our own personal situation.
Tell me how you deal with mother's guilt and has it been easier after the first child?
